Day 12: The person who caused you a lot of pain

I am lucky in my life to say I've never felt real pain. I've felt ache, I've been hurt, but, pain I've been spared. What has caused me the most ache, is not a person but, a concept. The concept of Love.

They say you have different kinds of Love but, in all reality, Love has no kind. As one of my favorite artists, Amy Winehouse once said, I heard Love is blind. You either Love or you don't Love. You either feel it or you don't. There are many people in my life that I Love, unconditionally & I believe, that is the only way to do it, indeed. I always joke with people that there are some people you Love like your Momma, Daddy, Sistas, & Brothas while there are some you just Love like....your ancestors. Ha! That's just a funny way of me saying that people never Love what or who they never knew or they will never know.

The concept of Love many ache to learn. I know I do but, it's a concept, I will never understand, I will just know. I may not always find Love in return for Love I give but, at least I can give it. Love is not selfish. You never know why you Love the people you do, you will never find Love if looking for it, & you will never feel it if you don't let it in when it knocks on your door. Love makes you do crazy things sometimes but, sometimes those crazy things are the lesson you need to learn. But, in the end......

Love, is a beautiful thing.

Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

In my 26 years of life, I haven't lost a lot of people to death. Death is something that is guaranteed in life but, not something anyone wants to deal with. Out of the deceased persons in my life, I would like to talk to my Grandma, I miss her so much.

The first person would be my Grandma. I really miss my Grandma & I think of her so much. She was the only Grandparent I ever had in my life so when she passed away, a hole was made & it will never be filled. She was hilarious yet, filled with odd & ends knowledge that she would tell us that we didn't understand at the time but, we understand now.

I remember the day she died. I remember where I was, what I was doing, & how I felt. It was February 13, 2000. Just 2 days earlier, I talked to my Grandma for the last time & it was a conversation I remember very clear. My Grandma knew her time was coming. So, in this specific conversation, she told me goodbye in her own way. I told her to stop talking like that because I didn't want it to be true but, at least now I know she was at peace with what was going to happen & she knew so, she got to say what she wanted to say to me before we'd never talk again.

Rather it's just a simple Hello Darlllllling or her just saying I love you, I would love to talk to her. I am grateful that she told me her time was coming. She saved me a lot of heartache from being surprised by the unknown. I still had that ache, I still do at times but, I am comforted knowing that she is still alive in our hearts. My Daddy looks just like her, starting to act like her to which, she always said "Now, you gotta watch out for them quiet people, you know your Daddy, he's kinda quiet." Ha!  

I love my Grandma so much & I am glad that she was apart of my life. Though she lived far away, it was nothing like taking the trip to see her in North Carolina & spending those 2 weeks a year, every summer. She will forever be apart of me & that, I'm thankful for. I know she is probably with her brothers which, both, she lost tragically. I know she is happy up in heaven watching me & my sisters & leading our way.

Day 10: Someone I don't talk to as much as I would like.

Leonetti.....oh, my bad Leonetti',

It's only fitting that this day belongs to you. We have known each other for a LONG time & use to be joined at the hip for years, a good decade + some. But then, life happened, took us down different routes & naturally caused our bond to weaken.

I love you till this day with all I am. No matter if we talk a week apart, a month apart, or even years, I will always love you & always consider you one of my Best Friends who have ever crossed my life. With all the memories we have, we will never grow apart in theory. There is not a memory that I have from that dreaded day in 3rd grade when you were mean to me (Haha!) to the day of our high school graduation that doesn't include you. You are still a big part of my life & I will never lose complete contact with you.

I know this has been a BIG year for you (Yay!) and I couldn't be more excited for you. I've seen you grow & nothing you have now, you don't deserve. Like I said we have taken different routes after high school but, none the less, we've never really shared similar experiences at the same time but, the best thing to me is that after all these years, we still understand each other. I'm excited to see what life is going to bring you & I can't wait to add it to the years of memories we already have.

I remember getting a text from you one day, I would say a year ago. In this text you expressed how sad you were that we used to be attached at the hip &  now we barely see each other.....especially when we still live down the street from each other! I agreed & we decided to see each other every week for dinner....even if it was just a couple hours. Well, life has once again got in the way so, let's find a way to fix that. Love you, love you, love you!

Day 9: Someone I wish I could meet

I often think that I have everyone in my life that I want to meet. I feel like if I need to meet anyone else in my life, I will in due time. I have my family, I have a great group of friends, I still have the significant other spot open but, like I said, I will meet him in due time.

So, I guess the only person I wish to meet is myself in 5 years. It's funny because when you are in middle  or high school you write those letters to yourself. You know, the ones in English class that you wrote to yourself in 10 years. Well, I'm not sure where my letters are but, I know for sure I'm not who I thought I was going to be. The best thing is I may not be married with 2, 3 kids if I have to but, I have found myself & I think that is the best thing about having to been single for so long. I know myself, I know what I like & what I do not but, I do not know where I want to be. Life has happened, it hasn't really got in my way at all, I just have lost where I was going. Not that life isn't suppose to happen, it is the only definite thing that will move on if you want it to or not.

I have set some pretty bold goals for myself by the time I'm 31. I just realized the other day that it's 5 years away & I started to freak out. But, my best friend is to good to me & made me come back down to reality & realize I can't live off of plans anymore, I more have to live off the flow of life & if my plan happens to work, then awesome if not, then my cards just weren't dealt that way.

I know it's kind of a bummer that there isn't anyone I wish I could meet other then myself however in the words of Dave Matthews, what I want is what I've not got but, what I need, is all around me.

Day 8: Letter to my Favorite Internet Friend

Matthew,

You've known me since my freshman year of college which, was 7 years ago! I cannot believe it's been that long since I met the BigShowatUD. When I seen the subject for day 8, it is fitting to no one but, you. You are my favorite internet friend because we know all about eachother & never have met face to face. Our converstions are enjoyable even though they have slowed over the years. You've become this big shot lawyer in Ohio probably driving your Range Rover around & somehow have forgotten about me. Ha, joking! 

I miss our convos, they were quite entertaining. It's so funny to me to say I met a friend over the internet. For the longest I remember I would ask you if you were a serial killer but, just so you can sleep at night, I'm now convinced you, Sir, are not. 

I remember when I first started reading you Xanga.....do they still even have Xanga anymore? I remember reading them because they were so hilarious yet, so true. You are a wonderful guy Matthew. I'm glad to have met you so many years ago & have gotten to know you just by talking to you. I hope all is well over in Ohio & that we can start up our chatting again. Life isn't as interesting as it was in college so, my stories are quite as crazy but, as you know, there is always something to say. Now, make sure you let me know when you get your Volvo station wagon.... =).....Oh & yep, that's right, I put your photo all up on here!

With Love,

Gerri  

Day 7: Letter to my Ex Boyfriend

Larry,

First all let me start out by saying that I hope all is well. It's been a few years since I've talked with you & I know your life has changed, hopefully for the better. I also hope that your Mom, Tina, & your brothers are doing well to. I hope happiness is with each & everyone of you. But, moving on from that.

I met you at a pivotal time in my life. Everything for me was a change. New location, new outlook, just all around everything was new to me including our relationship. I remember the day I first met you at Cal's house but, I had to leave early to do my Econ homework, I remember when you came to my apartment the very next morning with Shane & Eric to check the fire alarm battery. One, you discovered I lived there & Two,  ya'll woke me up out of my sleep....it was a Friday. I also remember my plot I made by calling in our plugged bathroom drain hoping you would be the maintenance man they called out to come fix it....LMAO! Aww man, good times those were in 11203-A! Hahahaha!!!! But, I remember everything really. The best thing is what you taught me which, I'm not sure if you knew you taught me anything.

Now that I look back on our relationship, you opened up my eyes to so many things I had really not experienced. That I wish to thank you for. Overall, our relationship was good. We didn't argue, until the end. We trusted each other, until the end, & I don't think we really loved each other, I think we were confused with lust, until the end. You knew it was the first time I fell in love with someone & I waited a while after you did to tell you those 3 words but, I think I was confused. I think it's just that everything was new & I just wanted to go with the flow but, not to say I couldn't have loved you because you are a great person with a great story of success to tell.

I was hurt when we broke up & for a long time & now I know it was because I was convinced we were going to make it & I was angry that you gave up so easy. But, in reality, we were never going to because you weren't emotionally available to me the whole time which, I learned the hard way. So that made it look so easy for you to me where I made it look so hard for myself.  Drama for love is exhausting & until this day, I refuse to fight how I fought for you. A man is going to be where he wants to be at the end of the day & if it's not with me when I've shown who I am then at that time & maybe my potential to who I can become later, it's not worth my fight because my fight is of no worth to him. That, I learned that, from you. 

I'm no longer mad. I'm not angry at you, none of that. It's over & done & has been for a long time. I don't want you to think I wrote this to you as a negative thing or to bring up old stuff.  You, in theory, are my favorite ex boyfriend, if that makes any sense. I don't like the way things ended for us, I'm sad it was so overwhelmed with unnecessary, pointless drama that we were never able to just be friends but, I understand, we were young. I'm not going to lie, I laugh at some of it now. ItUntil this day, I still, with my whole heart, wish you nothing but the best. I wrote this to you not to trash you or to call bad upon you, I'm not bitter. I simply just wrote my favorite lesson.

With Love,

Gerri   

Day 6: Letter to a stranger

We all have something in our lives that make us push on day by day. To not know someones story is to not know someone. A stranger sometimes can make your day & not even know it. I would like to write this letter to all the strangers that have made my day with little to no effort.

I don't know their name, nor their story but, one thing I do know is they were apart of a struggle yet, they were as upbeat as a millionaire. I use to do volunteer work in High School. From Halloween to the Saturday before Thanksgiving, I would spend about 2 weeks going door to door with classmates collecting canned goods for a local church. Once collection time was over, we would then go to the church for a whole day packing bags, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of brown paper sacks full of goodies for the less fortunate to come pick up with their voucher. They would get a bag, a bag of potatoes, & a Turkey or Ham. We would spend the next Saturday passing out the bags in a line, carrying bags to cars, etc until everything was gone. So, this letter to all those strangers that came out & gave me the opportunity to let me make their day. Gave me the opportunity to feel like I helped a family have a good, solid meal not knowing if it was the only big meal they had all year. Because one thing we have lost sense of in this world is helping one another. So many people take advantage of others, when you really help someone who is struggling, you don't realize it.

I would like to write this letter to the stranger who I had the opportunity to meet through my job. I meet a lot of people throughout the day & it is sad that only a few stick out because they did something good. I remember one day I was having one of the worst days. So, to get out the office, I decided to go pick up a customer from his home to get him going into his rental car. It was a small old man, all hunched back. I pulled up to his home & he was outside. He started to walk to the car & I got out to introduce myself. He then stops & turns back around. He starts walking back to his door & I had already had a bad day so I was pretty sure he was going to add to it. But, he walked over to his flower bush & picked off a small flower. He carried it to the car, got in, & said this is for you. He gives me this little white flower with a small stem. He tells me its for me to wear on my ear so it can show through my hair because that's how pretty ladies wear flowers. A smooth man he was but, that was ok. He made my day 10X's better. So, this letter is for the small, hunched back old man who didn't know I appreciated him that day.

Last but, not least. I would like to write this letter to the stranger maybe reading this. Let me be the first to say hello. I'm not sure what you went through today if anything at all but, let me say this, tomorrow is a new day. It is a new day for you to maybe through your happiness or maybe through your pain make someone smile today. Some won't appreciate it but, it is for those who will. No matter what, a smile is contagious. It is the nicest thing you can give a stranger. Even if they wear it for only a second, I bet at the end of the day, they won't forget it. We need to re-learn how to appreciate each other. Appreciate what one another can do vs. what we can't. So, you may be a stranger but, why can't you start first?

With Love from a Stranger,

Gerri

Day 5: Letter to my Dreams

I've seem to have lost sight of you. Life is in the way & I've seem to have put you to the side. I'm awaiting my season but, it's never going to come if I don't have you. I need to refind you but, I don't know where to start. I have you all figured out but, then I learned life was better without a plan now, I need to get back to a plan. So, I will start to find my way today. I need to pick myself back up. So, I will write this letter & finish it quickly. Why, because it is to be continued....

With Love, Gerri

Day 4: Letter to my Siblings

Tracy & Jessica,

My roll dogs from day 1! We are those 3 girls. Those strong, biracial women making things happen & running our world. We are those chicks & we know no one is above us & we are above no one. We are the a product of our environment which we never forget. We are the big booty Judy sisters but, we make it look good & we make it look easy.

Tracy, my oldest pain in my backside. When I was little you may have abused me but, it's all good. Haha! I love you so much & I am grateful that you are my sister. I honestly couldn't imagine life without you. You are a awesome mother, wife, & big sister. You have been there for me in happy moments, sad ones & painful ones....literally! LMAO! You may not realize it & maybe I don't show it but, I am thankful for you. I remember when I was driving home from IU one time & I had just broke up with my boyfriend & I called you balling my eyes out while driving wondering what was wrong with me. I remember everything you told me in that conversation & it ment a lot. I remember you telling me not to give up on love, that one day, I would love again & although I'm still waiting on that day, you gave me a sense of hope that I gave up on....and if it doesn't happen soon, I may give up on again HAHA, TOO FUNNY! My life is partically complete because of you. You gave me 2 beautiful nieces, a handome nephew, & a great brother in law. Love, love, love you *Muah.

Jessica, my second oldest pain. Although we don't see eye to eye all the time on some situations, I love you none the less & so much. I am proud that you are my sister. I have watched you go through some pretty hard times in your life & I admire your strength. You have been there for me & I appreciate it a lot. I know sometimes I am hard on you for the decisions you make & I don't mean to be, I'm just protective & when I think it's going to be a bad idea I will try to find a way to dodge it. You are a wonderful mother to 3 soon 4 of my most favorite, most beautiful kiddos in the world.....even though Cup-A-Cake is still making a decision on me daily. Without you in my life, I don't think it would be complete. We are like a team & we need one another to make it. My most favorite memory with you is the Butter incident. Till this day it is still hilarious however you have yet to admit to Dad it was you so, that's what I want for Christmas. LMAO! In Neva's voice TOO FUNNY!

With Love,
Gerri

Day 3: Letter to my Parents

Momma & Daddy,

I am grateful that God placed me with you. Most people like to say they got lucky with their children but, I believe I got lucky with my parents. I love you guys so much, more then words, a blog, or any action can explain. My life & anything I possess is all because of you two.

I appreciate everything I've ever been taught. When I was younger, I use to get mad sometimes because I knew things that other kids my age parents didn't let them in on. Rather it was we were going through a tough time or we were on top of the world we always knew what was happening with bills, family issues, etc. You taught me that we were not individual people but, one group of people making it in the world for eachother, together. You taught me that no one is more important then my family because when things go wrong, they will be the only ones still there after the dust settles. It's us against them & we will win.

One day if I ever have kids, I hope to raise them just like you raised me. You made it look so easy but, I know it isn't. You have 3 girls with 3 different personalities but, we all know what we need to do to survive. We may have learned it in different paths but, no matter the path, you guys have stood by our side. When we do wrong, you guys mold us for what we need to do & you act as if you've been in that same situation before but, maybe you have not. You are the perfect parents, you are my rock.

I may never know if you feel as appreciated as you are. I tell you a million times over. Tracy, Jessica, & I have never been disappointed by you. You pick us up when we are down, you dust us off, & you make us try again. Boy, we sure are the luckiest women on this earth!!!!!!

I love you Momma & Daddy and no matter how old I get, I will always be a proud Daddy's little girl.

With Love,
Gerri

Day 2: Letter to my Crush

I'm excited to write this one. I'm excited because I've never actually put my thoughts out there for even myself to really understand. I think that is one of the main reasons I've never really expressed it to you yet, expressed that I would even want more then a friendship. It's kind of like that high school game. The one where you just want him to notice because you're to shy to say something.

The reason why I have a crush on you, I'm not very clear of myself. And that is the honest truth. I've spent just as much time with other gentlemen as I have with you but, you still till this day, you stick out to me. It could be because of our past or it could be because we both really choose to ignore things. I've tried all my tastics to rid you from my life but, you seem to always just pop up. Out of sight, out of mine doesn't really work in theory I guess. I've ignored you when you're around, I've stopped all contact with you, I've came out & told you I don't want to do this anymore, even tried to just stay out of eyesight for a couple months at a time however, it never works & we end up in the same position we were in before something hit the fan. Sometimes when I feel like someone has disrespected me, I will just wipe them out of my life....which you've seen happen but, with you, I always come back. 

I adore the friendship we have. Even though it is the way it is. Shit can hit the fan one minute then the next minute it's like it never happened & everything is back to normal. I love hanging out with you, it's never not a good time. You always respect what I have to say & knows my limits on what I will let someone say to me although you've crossed the line a couple times, you managed to get better, Ha! You are a great person with average flaws like anyone else. We are opposites sometimes & similar others. And although sometimes you may make me mad, the best thing to me is that we are friends & I am happy that you are apart of my life.

I've told you time & time before whatever makes you happy, makes me happy for you. If all we ever stay is friends, I will respect that. My theory is at the end of the day a man will be right where he wants to be & despite what you may think, I am not mad at that at all.

With Love,

Gerri

Day 1: Letter to my Best Friend

Lauren,

I cannot believe we've been friends for 5 years already. 5 years of talking everyday, multiple times a day....well, except when we broke up, ha....& still continue to stand each other. I still remember the day we met. Well, the 2 times we met. The first time, you tried to steal my boo & I wasn't trying to have no white girl stealing my man! (LMAO!!!) & the second time, I just thought you were just some crazy chick following me & the guys around cause we laughed at a girl in Bluebird together. We have many, many memories in these 5 years. Some which we don't remember, some which are still coming back to us as the years pass, some we just won't ever forget & a couple that we didn't have together but, have talked about so much, it feels like we were there the whole time for each other.

You are my best friend & I love you so much. You are a strong, dependable person who I feel is misunderstood by many. You're crazy, yes but, as you say, we all join crazy town eventually. In the last 5 years I've gotten to know your experiences from the past 10 years of your life well. Learning your experiences, I've grown to understand why you are the way you are & today, through all your trials & tribulations, you remain a beautiful person. There are many that wouldn't be as positive about life as you are after experiencing such things. You believe you are strong, you believe that your worth is amazing, you know that no matter how hard life gets, you can make it through the storm and that, Lauren, is what I admire most about you. 

You helped me survive my last year of college. The year in which so much change happened for myself. My most favorite experience that you helped me through was my first heartbreak. You probably yelled at him more then I did! It could be because you were a extra bitter Bofonda at the time but, till this day, it cracks me up! No, wait, I cannot forget the summer of sitting on the porch everyday with cans of miller lite & the radio! That was one of the best summers EVER! HA!

I always wish the best for you. I always want what's best for you. I appreciate you being in my life & being there for me. I LOVE YOU just as you do Tracy & Jessica and, I always will! Can't wait until we are old in our rocking chairs SK-ing our other roommates, sneaking whiskey, & being loud! 

Love always,

Gerri